this is my daily journal of life that i would like to ponder on some other times later. it has nothing to do about others and just one of many ways of me letting myself being free to express the ideas and opinions.......
its been a while after the last time i stop here and posted the dull route of my life.. as for now.. im a total mess up.. even me myself cant get through it.. what is actually had happened to me?? i wondered.. i dont want to be in denial as i approximately knew whats happening with me.. i juz dont like it here.. i juz dont want to be here..make it short i juz hated here.. the environment is such a dull and frustrating.. *unhealthy environment to heal* i thought im strong but i dont know.........
mybe i guess im strong...or else..but i did go on didnt i?? no one can gave me the answer.. none but juz me.. yup its true life indeed goes on and on until the last breath of mine.. that is the only reason why i want to live happily without worries.. but that is quite impossible though.. unless im none than juz a .....
worries indeed have its good in time and i do admit it.. but i juz want to avoid the situation that will make my blood vessel goes up until the brain and turn my face red and hand, sweaty which finally causing unbearable pain in the chest! i juz cant take it anymore! its eating me up, not once, twice or trice but all the time and everytime!
i juz can hope for none but to stay true to myself and be calm in going through this phase~ at times silent still is a better way in handling things..
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons Finally content with a past I regret I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness For once I'm at peace with myself I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long I'm movin' on I've lived in this place and I know all the faces Each one is different but they're always the same They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it They'll never allow me to change But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong I'm movin' on I'm movin' on At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone There comes a time in everyone's life When all you can see are the years passing by And I have made up my mind that those days are gone I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't Stopped to fill up on my way out of town I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't I had to lose everything to find out Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road I'm movin' on I'm movin' on
goin to upsi..my first thought is totally none then miserable and dull. i hate goin there. i hate hate and hate it!!!!!! at the registration me alone from my frens as my room is at the fifth floor and all off the guls at the sixth floor....the first night suks like hell.. i miss my dad, my bed n family....hhhmmmhhhm... the first day of class there even worst!!! i saw .....that was the last person that i wanted to bump to!! aaarrggghhhh.........
such a stupidity!! i just getting sickkkk and sickening but nothing else.. why does this distract me so much until i begin to hate myself that i once loved so much!! and i want me back..
I WANT TO LOVE ME BACK!!!
apart from the worst and sickening days there, now i manage to change my room to up stairs..which was at the sixth floor....hhoorrrayyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! all my housemate=classmate... and everythg is getting better..
hoping for the "better" to be a continuous episode here.......
People.. near, far especially friends do ask me question that makes me think twice, and that is incredible as some of the questions do act as the wake up call for me when me myself sometimes are ignorant and unconscious of my surrounding and circumstances that is happening around me.
why that you don’t smile anymore nowadays? who had stole your smile?
this friends of mine is very concern as friends do notice that I am not as my usual self after quite sometime. its definitely feels good when there is still people that able to tell the difference of who you are after certain time of the holiday. I never thought that people will bother about me, as seen that I am not a friendly person in one of the phase of my life that I have decided on. I do not have any regret of that phase of memories except that content with what God had arranged for me at the time. but I still very thankful to have so many good friends around me. it do feels at ease and good when knowing that I have so many that love me when I am in pain. thanks friends.
why are you being so loyal?
for me it is not loyal but more to memories I guess. I am a person who hard to put away matters that once has been so near to me. some may says that I am stubborn, some might called me a fool or maybe hard headed but this is me and I don’t see why I must change it as it doesn’t harm anyone. it’s just me..
if u been given choices, do you think that you will convert?
this friend of mine is an outspoken yet sensitive. she always appear loud most of the time but still there is one little side of her that are sorrow. don’t get me wrong.. it might not be girl boy relationship.. I know what you guys out there are thinking… relationship is a wide subject that involves anyone and everyone that you wanted. religion and beliefs is a very abstract and sensitive to describe about. in my opinion, I strongly believe that whatever religion you are in, as long as your intention is genuine from the heart and true to life, it is more than enough. but, of course certain obligation from every religion is important as the faith in living life. the bottom line is that, for me whatever you do in life is based on your own intention. why are you doing it? if it is for best of all, the deed you are doing is a good course then and if it is a bad deed, might harm someone else and the most important is you yourself, it is a bad ne then. I believe every religion in this big world only ask for goodness and put away the badness for all living creature. the answer is that.. the future will tell everything..hehhhee
I don’t see why people like blogging as I don’t like exposing my own stories to public.
she is deal right as that is her own opinion. all of us have the right to put up their own statement so do one of my dearly friend here. as for me the reason why I like to blog is simple. it gives me the drive to write. and make me realize how do I love to write so much. it brings out the passion of writing in me. that’s all. exposing? naahh.. never thought at all. if I do sure I will announce it to the whole world. hheheh.. but if there is any other home sapiens that feels kind of commenting it is always welcome..
how can you still be in love until now? do you still in love now?
she is a girl that very near to heart with everyone around her. warm is the best to describe her.. her question really struck me as I know that myself has been avoiding this question and pretend that’s everything seems just fine. the truth hurts and the lies even worse.. hhmmm.. this one I really don’t know my friend.. it is all the work of the great God. He is the one created my heart this way, so what else can I say about it. sorry God if it seem like I am blaming on you.. it is the heart matter so the heart is the boss so I will just have to obey to what and how the heart want to feel like right?? hhehe.. whatever it is, I am happy this way, so be it..
why are you being stupid? he is just a moron. get up, be pretty and get a new one
this one is a naughty friend of mine. one the first impression of course people will judge her as a play girl. but I am as her friend who kind of know her…she is very compassionate and always stands by her friend no matters what. that is for sure. am I stupid friend? hhhehee.. no I don’t(mocking face).. I know and understand well that there is still whole load of people that I can socialize with rather than being miserable by myself. appreciate it and indeed I am the socialize girl at the moment already…hhhee..just kidding
I wont say what you are doing is useless as everything depends on yourself friend.
yup..that is a very true one my friend. one should be responsible for one’s decision.this one is a friend who will give you the advice that what you want to hear of. it is the natural her as that is the way how she console her friends. she is a mature young lady and will always be supportive with whatever her friends had decided.
are you crying of people that don’t know how to appreciate you?
this friend of mine appears cold as a person but she is quite the sensitive one.. its very hard for her to express herself but once she does, it was a massive one to all. she rarely gives advices specifically but rather voice out her opinion in a group. once you are really close to her you will realize what a fun fun person she was.. especially when she laugh…hahahhaa
why don’t you look this crisis and difficulty you are facing now at the positive side?
she is so dearly and very soft spoken. any guys who ever speak with her sure cant her off their mind…hehhehe.. I realize that we have go through one phase of life together.. that is how I felt though.. I can feel her sadness from times and so do she I guess.. anyway whatever it is thanks my friend.. it is definitely an immense wake up call for me as I have been thinking on something that I could never achieve. thinking about things that I could strive and achieve is my priority since then. I have so much more waiting for me. my dreams that I want to reach.. hope so one day.. africa here I come…hehhhe
someone just dosent worth it for you to cry for. you deserve so much better. what goes around comes around.
she is a friend that value friendship as everything. if there is anything happens, you can always count on her anytime. she is the one will be the mediator in any conflict do appears especially relationship matters..hhehhe..anyway, she is just a very wonderful and kind hearted friend of mine..
be patient and hope for the best of all. God had created everyone their other half and so do yours..
this friend of mine will always talks about the philosophy of life and us everyone will be amaze of how much mature she was than us all. she might appears as childish but her input of life is surely am awakening one for all without a doubt.
do you really have a dimple when you smile?
finally somebody do realizes that I really do do and do have a dimple when I smile. that is the very first time people do realizes that. even my family especially dad doesn’t want to admit that I have a dimple. ~sigh~~ and until now after the first somebody there is still no one telling me about my dimple.. maybe it had been disappear as I am gaining weight lately..huh~~ lost weight mission will be running soon..hehhee
do you miss me as I miss you? can you accept me?
oh! please help me how am I going to answer this??? if you at my place and had been going through this phase too you surely know how does it feels like right? it is truly a terrifying and hard one.. why? because it came from someone that your heart says no to. sooner or later I do have to answer so its better not to delay any second of it. for the better or worse I know what I want like the other one. but luckily all this going well and I did gave my answer. all the best for all!
why cant you just forget me and live happily?
be off with all the greetings and just let me live my life as you live yours! will I never be happy by not forgiving someone for the rest of life? in the time being I not able to forgive still and in the future, I don’t know. maybe yes, maybe not, or maybe I feel nothing about it. but for the mean time, I still can handle my emotion and I do feel fine and indeed content with my life now. I have grown up and doing things that I feel satisfied with. there is still people who appreciate me, care and love me, and most importantly I am independent and free.
history of life have the owner of its own
sorrow and happiness has been the utmost companion
and the main ingredient of life.
certain feelings and memories as it side dish
will always be there for us to ponder on.
don’t let it fade away
in going through the present and future.
2348
01062009
I am the owner of my own history of life~~~
p/s:
if one day, I do fall for that special one again, I will never change and sacrifice who I am and my root as I know what the best for me and I of course I will never do or act like it going to harm me or others. this is me you are seeing and in love with, so for the better or worse accept me the way I am as I do for you or else we just doesn’t fit together.
a bouquet of red flower i never receive flower before
as all known
i hate flower
or its just dislike maybe
but its still not me
the flower i mean me and flower
doesn't suit at all
never!
today.. i received
a bouquet of flower
red flower
doesn't even know
what does it called
but...
i am happy with the flower
i am excited about the flower
or maybe because of the sender..
i adore the flower
the first bouquet of flower
that i had ever received
for the 21 years of my life
and i love it.. 0243
24052009
tired but i am satisfied
with the day.. i am happy~~
p/s: on the may 23rd a group of us all went to one of the orphanage shelter to help and indulge ourselves in the shoes of the orphan at that particular orphanage shelter. thanks to all who involved in this noble mission for making this happen for us all. and for those who donated, no matter whether it was money, the energy, or material, your support are truly appreciated.. only the great GOD will repay what you all had contributed.. thank you from the bottom of my heart fellow friends..
~~the bouquet of red flower which was my inspiration for this post is given by a boy from the orphanage home named zul...
Unique History: The Day Niagara Falls Stopped Flowing There are some things that everyone takes for granted. The sun will rise in the East every day, we must pay taxes and the Niagara Falls will flow for eternity. At least, that's what we thought until the amazing events of March 29, 1848. http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/183693/unique_history_the_day_niagara_falls.html
